Tuesday, June 27, 2017

More like Planet Failure

All that wine I bought really came in handy today. And I didn't even drink any of it (today). 

In fact, I had started to drink a little too much of it recently, so I had to hit the gym. 

No, really, I have been needing to work on my bangin' wedding bod, of course. So I joined Planet Fitness earlier this month. 

It offers a program where you can get the personal trainer there to create a workout plan for you, but you do the workouts on your own time—no appointments needed. Also, this is included in my $10/month plan, which is awesome. It's perfect for me. (This is not an ad.) 

I've actually been sort of impressing myself with how well I'm sticking to the plan. Sort of. 

I had been going and doing some cardio. I even went a few mornings before work, which, if you know me, is a huge accomplishment and deserves a lot of praise... preferably in the form of donuts when I'm finished. No, no, no. I don't mean that.

Anyway, I really needed to add some weight lifting to my exercise regimen because you don't get a bangin' wedding bod without some toned AF arms, right? 

So the trainer made my three-week plan for me Tuesday last week. I went and met with him and should have started the weight training right then, but I had to compete in the Kansas City Corporate Challenge swim meet later that evening. (I completed the 50m breaststroke and the 100m IM, and I did not drown. End of accomplishments.) 

To make an already too-long story slightly shorter, the way my schedule worked out, my first day of doing my strength training plan was today, a week later. Oopsie. Better late than never, I think my mom would say.  

I read my plan to Evan and made sure that I knew all the weight machines and how to do the free-weight exercises and stuff. Yep, I was set and ready to go. 

I started on the stair climber, as my plan instructed. From high up there on the machine stairs, I looked around for the weight machines I needed. I couldn't see any of them. 

My anxiety started to kick in, just a little. Sure, it's a "Judgement Free Zone" (a slogan with which I take a few issues and therefore try to ignore completely), but I'm not sure if it applies to judging yourself. I was pretty sure everyone was staring at me as I walked back and forth on the aisles of machines looking for the "Leg Press" and "Glute Ext." and "Chest Fly."  

I located the leg press machine first, but it was occupied. Then I saw the "Hip Add/Abducter" machines my plan listed. I sat down at one—not sure which is which. 

Immediately, a girl came over and poked me and said she was using it. Like, clearly she wasn't? I was sitting at it. I had my headphones in (listening to a Throwbacks playlist, shoutout Nelly, Country Grammar), so I acted like I didn't hear her. Like, come again? She repeated herself, completely serious, completely not understanding my confusion at her claim that she was doing what I was actually doing? I couldn't believe myself, but I got up and gave it to her. 

That machine was busy for the next 30 minutes. Every time I'd finish on a different machine, I'd try to go to that one—NOPE. Someone else had snagged it. Probably by telling the person who was sitting there that they were using it. Because apparently *that* works pretty well. *EYE ROLL*

Shoot. This story got long again. I had actually forgotten about that girl when I sat down to write this. Um, right, OK, so, ALL OF THE MACHINES were that busy. Yes, back on track with the story. 

Half of the time I spent at the gym, I was either trying to find an unoccupied machine on my list or wiping down a machine I had just used. I am totally cool with keeping things clean, but it sure does take a lot of time. And at times, it cost me my next machine. Ugh. 

So finally, I got to the free weight portion of my workout plan. 

I walked near the free weights. I paused, off to the side, to check my plan. I evaluated the current usage of the free weight area. The people there really seemed like they knew what they were doing. My workout plan said I had to do curls. Like, a lot of them. I didn't know if it was normal to curl both arms at the same time. I wanted to be efficient but didn't know if gym people are that way. 

Because of this, because I couldn't bring myself to just do it, I panicked. 

I think what I actually did was walk away calmly, but it felt like running away, screaming and crying, in my head. I completely skipped the free weight portion of my workout plan. I also skipped my 5-10 minute treadmill portion. I actually stood on a treadmill for literally one second—I pressed Quick Start and immediately pressed STOP—before I headed for the door. 

I told myself I'd use free weights at home. I didn't know if we actually had any, so I told myself I'd figure something out. I would've asked Evan, but he was playing softball so he couldn't respond. But I'm a problem solver: WINE!

I decided to curl my wine bottles (And I didn't drink any of it, remember!?). Thanks to Laithwaite's, I have like 13 bottles of wine more than I used to have. Some of them are duplicates. I grabbed two of those and weighed them on my food scale. Unfortunately, they were only 2.5 lb each, but that was enough for me. That's a hand weight size. I'm cool with it. 

I curled the heck out of that wine. And pressed. And did the horrible tricep thing where you lift the bottles (weights) behind your head. And it kind of burned my muscles a little bit, so that felt like some great progress for my first day. 

And then, I walked my dogs in place of my treadmill portion. 

I didn't realize until after I was speed walking away from Planet Fitness, avoiding all eye contact, that I did not do the "Chest Fly." I'll get it next time. I'm just being honest. Full disclosure. 

Wow, sorry that story got so long. Sorry about that. I understand if you didn't make it to the end of the story. I didn't really make it to the end of my workout, so we're even. Better luck next time. 

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